Living with parents

AS IRRITATING as they may sometimes be, family is what you start with, and, what many of us hope to end up with. People don’t normally aspire to be alone for the long haul.

 

Lynley’s aging parents visit from Pennsylvania twice a year. They show up in their 2000 Mercury Villager crammed with rotting bananas, grapes, and enough paper napkins ripped off from fast food joints to service an elementary school lunchroom for a week.

Dad drives. Mom sleeps. Then she gets out of the van and says, “I can’t believe I made it” like she’s been the one driving. We can’t believe she made it, either, without Dad throwing her out at 50 mph (he drives UNDER the speed limit so every road trip is interminably long!)

slow-left-lane-drivers

They always stay with us. Lynley’s young married daughter, their ONLY grandchild, used to put up with them for a night or two. But that was politically insensitive to the young couple, so Jack, being the bigger man, agreed to let the in-laws invade our home for the duration, twice a year.

The in-laws stay. And stay. Lynley’s mom talks. And talks. With her mouth full. With her mouth empty. With a mouth like a leaky faucet that never quits.

Once finally worn out from words, she sleeps. And sleeps. And, thankfully, sleeps. About 10:30 ish in the morning, after her dad had been awake since the break of day reading by the light of the window (he is as electricity-phobic as an Amishman) Jack decided to scream; a gut-wrenching, hurt your throat scream. “FIRE! FIRE! HELP! HELP!” His shrieks reverberated through the uncarpeted home.

Chuckling at Jack’s “experiment,” dad went down the hall to the guest room to see if the noise made a dent in his wife’s slumber. Nope. She lay as motionless as if in a coma.

The only way to rouse the dead? Turn on the TV. Even at low volume. She’s so Pavlovian about it.

Pavlov                                                                    TV, TV, TV, slurp, slurp, slobber…

Lynley and her mom lock horns on about anything.  Cooking, doing dishes, buying clothes, etc. Her dad joins in. They peck away at her mom, but the old lady won’t take hints. She keeps her slow, steady drip, drip, drip of drivel until no one knows what she’s talking about. She interrupts at every topic and turns it into a “me fest” of unrelated material.

Lynley’s parents are looking to move to Missouri, near Lynley. Which is also near Jack, since Lynley and Jack have a TwentyFourSevenMarriage (check out the YouTube channel with that name).

There are advantages to the folks living close.They’d be forced to downsize from the Pennsylvania home they’ve lived in since the Johnson administration. So, no decades of clutter for us to rummage through after they pass on if they sell and move away.

Jack learned of their interest in relocation and found a home in a nearby town (about 10 minutes from Lynley and Jack’s rural home). They looked it over and seemed to love it.

Until the next day.

Just when mom thought dad was going for it, he pulled the rug out. “Living room is too small.”

So much for downsizing. Jack and dad looked at several houses in and around Springfield, the city about half an hour away with a real hospital and everything. Two real estate agents got a whiff they were looking, and smothered them with e-mails of the latest real estate availability.

They checked on houses diligently, peering in windows if there was a for sale sign in the yard. But Dad finds fault with everything he sees. That’s because he wants to live on a railroad track. Yes, literally.

Dad loves trains. He wants to live NEAR a noisy train blowing it’s ever lovin’ horn. Hmmm. And, he doesn’t want to mow. Keep the yardwork to a minimum. But he needs room for his model train set. I think I can, I think I can, chugga chugga chugga!

funny train

Amid the house search, Jack’s sister informed the aging parents of a retirement home she associates with. The home wooed them with all their luxuries. They liked the free lunch, but Lynley’s mom, according to Jack’s sister, didn’t stop talking about herself on unrelated topics. No one could get a word in. I believe she would still be talking to the retirement home tour guide if they hadn’t stuffed free food into her mouth long enough for the hapless guide to make a run for it.

They loved the luxuries and the conveniences of the retirement home, but the next day, they hated the money part. You know, the $3,000 bucks a month.

How about living in Jack and Lynley’s basement, her mom suggested after we hinted that might be a possibility. (Jack was in a weak moment, and he is desperate for a remodel of the unfinished basement.)

Honestly, they  are strongly considering it. Jack actually came on board with the idea as dollar signs danced in his head. “They could pay for half our taxes, and utilities, and half of everything..” he mused.

“They could pay for a land survey, and a well, and decks, and with the sale of their home in PA, they could pay for…” Jack is still calculating the benefits. Nothing like a little greed to get a permanent dysfunctional family reunion going!

While popular opinion seems to be that aging adults would jump at the chance to live with their adult children, that isn’t necessarily so. Less than a third (31%) of those surveyed for a Gallup & Robinson research project on aging and quality of life said they would live with a younger family member when they could no longer live on their own. By contrast, more than half (51%) expressed willingness to have an older parent move in with them when they could no longer live on their own.  Most of us want to be independent. Children, if they are mentally and physically healthy, generally separate from their parents as soon as they are financially able to do so. They no longer want their parents laying down the rules. Adults, too, want to make their own rules. The idea of living with one’s adult children, no matter how well you get along, can be disconcerting. The intimacy of shared living space can simply mean too much of a good thing.

Check out more about Lynley and Jack at:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8Ua1MQJZXl-Qzx_C7hpn6g

 

 

Don’t Call Me Princess

What’s your definition of Princess?

BeautyBeyondBones

I was very much a child of the nineties.

I sported a side pony. Ate dunkeroos. Danced the Macarena. Enjoyednon-Pixar Disney movies, and crushed HARD on Aaron Carter.

Aaron-Carter-2000

But I was also a “Christian” nineties kid: I went to a faith based sleep away camp every summer where comedian Brian Regan was right up there with Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I knew all the Steven Curtis Chapman and Michael W. Smith songs. Had Precious Moments figurines. And, like most 90’s Christian girls: I readCaptivating. Twice, actually.

captivating_amazon

And let me just say: that is a great book. I would, and do, recommend it to everyone. Heck, I even lead a bible study on it in college.

But, if you’re unfamiliar with that book, the main take away is that, as women, we are precious, delighted-in, daughters of the King. Princesses.

And as this book has been meaningful…

View original post 576 more words

Breakfast with Tiffany

By Jack Kroft (Lynley’s man)

I DON’T  know her real name. Could be Tiffany, or Abbie, or Brianne. She’s just a young girl with a cute bow in her hair and a pink plastic purse matching her outfit. But she’s across the aisle from me at Panera, having breakfast… with her mom,  before school.

I don’t know why that makes my eyes mist and my nose sting. Yes, yes I do know why. Seeing tAudrey Hepburn pinkhem banter back and forth over blueberry muffins, I feel a twinge of sorrow. I don’t get to have that “special time” before school with my sons. They live with their mother, too far from my reach to pick them up before school. Even if that were possible, it wouldn’t fit in the “divorce agreement” (which, by the way, I DIDN’T agree to!)

The cute little girl and her mommy just walked out, talking about the child’s grandma. Their table is now as empty as I feel.

IF I could have breakfast with my sons, I’d do it one on one, with each of the four, at different times. You know, maybe I will. Despite the distance, and the inconvenience, maybe this “breakfast with Tiffany” that I just witnessed gave me inspiration.

I think it is. Yes. The hope I’m feeling now is actually washing away some of the emptiness.

In a study of nearly 8,000 children living in eight European countries, researchers found that those who ate breakfast with their parents five to seven times per week were as much as 40 per cent less likely to be overweight, than those who had a family breakfast just two to three times a week.

 Jack Kroft is Lynley’s husband, protector, and servant. He and she are featured on their YouTube Channel  (TwentyFourSevenMarriage).

Healthy Eating + Healthy Marriage = Happy Wife!!

The best way to have a healthy “Twenty Four Seven Marriage” is to have a healthy palate!

I, Lynley, have been reading a lot about healthy eating and proper ways to digest your food for optimal healing of your body. Did you know your gallbladder and liver don’t have any teeth? Well, that’s why it is recommended to chew your food at least fifty times. That way your food can get out of your system faster. (Keeping it in your ‘lowers’ isn’t good for any of us). That way we can all get rid of those extra 10+ pounds we can’t ever seem to shed. Laura Prepon and Elizabeth Troy have published a book called “The Stash Plan”.

The Stash Plan

They talk about how to shed those last 10+ unwanted pounds by drinking organic grass-fed only broth. They have a 21-day plan for using your broth in many ways. I am only half way through the book (and had to renew it at my library). It is Chock-full of great information! I suggest you download your copy on your electronic device or Amazon. Borrow it from your local library or just go out and buy it.

Another great reference book for Healthy Eating is “Carol Alt and Healthy You” written by none other than the Supermodel turned talk show host… Carol Alt. She talks about eating RAW!! Raw veggies, raw fruit, raw fish, etc. If you must cook your food…cook it slowly in a skillet with Coconut Oil or Extra Virgin Olive Oil (EVOO) at the lowest heat possible.

I am trying to combine a little bit of each book to see if I can stick to their recommended menu for life. Diets and I don’t do well. I am a picky eater. Certain foods either don’t taste good or don’t agree with my stomach and my below or bowels, etc.

I will reveal more of my healthy eating habits and how well I am sticking to them in future posts.So have a healthy week, month, end of the year. Keep watching for future posts.

Please comment below on what diets or healthy eating do and don’t work for you. If you are a picky eater like me, tell me how you cope with certain foods. Also watch Twentyfoursevenmarriage on YouTube and subscribe, comment, like, etc. We want you to be our next subscriber. 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8Ua1MQJZXl-Qzx_C7hpn6g

Also I have a Facebook page: Lynley Kroft. and a page for Twenty Four Seven Marriage on FB. I am new to FB so I want lots of you to be my new friend!!

 

The Dumbest thing I do to my Wife

“Many men do stupid things, but you surpass them all.”

—Lynley Kroft (to Jack)

There is a Chapter in the Bible about  a Wife of Noble Character. Bonus points if you reply to this with the correct chapter. No, you won’t get a free trip to downtown Tulsa, or anything like that. Just a nice lil’ seat a the front of the virtual marriage class. Welcome, teacher’s pet.

I’m not Catholic, but here goes my True Confession (hope you like wearing your clerical collar! It looks nice on you, by the way…)

I am a self-admitted honesty freak. Yep, that’s my flaw. If I say something rude, or disrespectful, it’s because I feel that way down deep in my gut (the place where all the fat cells seem to party!)

Besides having too much fat cell party zone down there, my gut stores all the nasty, angry, hateful crapola that would make you put your parenting hands over your four-year-olds ears. Yeah, that lousy no-good, low-down foul language reserved for bad movies.

When I get angry, I vomit verbal venom on my lovely-dovely wife. She is my Matron of Honor, my Princess of Peace, and here I go, reguritating shit like a shit slinger. Yep, I said shit. Twice.Or was that three times… hmm…

AnyJack & Womenway, now that I have semi-offended half of you, and intrigued the rest of you beyond measure, I want you to know that honesty is STILL my ONLY policy with my wife. I love her too much to shield her from my damage. But, I also want to go a step beyond telling her the dirty when I get angry: I here and now promise, scouts honor, to tell the truth that I will cease and desist being a cursing cavernous creep… Yep. I purpose to lay off the language. If I don’t I have all of you (or both of you?) subscribers and readers to give me … well, something more polite than Heck…. OK? OK. Glad we had this talk.

Jack Kroft is a lunatic. He loves his Wife and she deserves better language out of his potty mouth. But, what are YOUR true husband (or wife) confessions? What things are getting in the way of YOUR marital bliss?  We are eagerly waiting for your comments!

Oh, by the way, remember those BONUS POINTS listed above!

Lynley and Jack are featured LIVE on their YouTube channel. We appreciate you helping us spread the word and gain new subscribers. But please, let us know how we can assist you!
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8Ua1MQJZXl-Qzx_C7hpn6g

7 best ways to keep your marriage

Many married menLynley Construction.JPG

are toying with

DISASTER

By Jack Kroft

Lynley graciously allowed me to write this blog post with her blessing.

Married men, take it from Jack Kroft… King of Stupid…

He’s the dude who learns the HARD way, every time…

His first marriage looked BULLETPROOF. Not even Superman would have guessed Jack’s kryptonite that ultimately destroyed his first marriage. His was an addiction. Yours could be anything that keeps you from fulfilling your marriage vows the way you did when you were all starry-eyed on your wedding day (don’t act like you don’t remember that goofy look on your face in your wedding video!) The point is, all men get adjusted to married life by settling into “man style” living AFTER the wedding bliss is fading off into the proverbial sunset.

Men get comfy, they start to assume things. Wives get overlooked a little bit more each day. It’s not always a slope downward, but eventually, the roller coaster hits bottom. Ouch! She’s yelling at you for stuff you swear never happened… That’s your “man style” instincts that work with the guys, but will NOT work with your lovely.

So, here it goes, the SEVEN WAYS, my son…   for those of you blockhead husbands (like me!) out there who need CONCRETE proof (pun intended!)  Here are 7 ways to keep your wife from steamrolling over you (as in the illustration)… Each of the SEVEN WAYS will identify the ISSUE, then go right for a man-friendly solution. It’s not as complicated as she is, so don’t worry, you’ll get it…

#1: WOMEN REMEMBER STUFF. You’d be best served to realize that Internet history log you thought you’d erased, that secret text to that girl,  or that second glance at that other woman is gonna get noticed sooner or later.

SOLUTION: Don’t lie. Tell her exactly what you’re doing. (i.e. :I’m staring at that other woman because she looks like you would if you were her)…OK, not the smoothest line, but it may get a chuckle for your honesty. NEVER lie to your wife. You have to continually earn her trust. Don’t be the one that thinks this little lie won’t matter, no matter how small. Your lies just get more convincing over time, so DON’T get good at lying, get good at making the truth help her laugh!

#2: WOMEN TALK TO THEIR FRIENDS/MOMS/CO-WORKERS/SISTERS/ETC.

Are you still so dense that you don’t think your words won’t get back to people who will NEVER forgive you?

SOLUTION: Tell your wife ONLY things that you don’t mind the people in her life knowing. It’s like a billboard instead of a private text. If you aren’t proud of how you talk about others, consider how they talk about you.

#3: WOMEN LOVE GOOD SURPRISES

Don’t think that a night out with the guys without telling her is a good surprise. That would be a ‘bad surprise.’ Surprise her with good things, like tickets to the live theater she always wanted to attend; or to a romantic dinner at a new restaurant she’s been talking about. Snooping in her business, like finding out what her Pinterest, Snap Chat, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other stuff she’s posting about is a GOOD idea to get GOOD ideas to surprise her in a GOOD way. (Good boy!)

#4: WOMEN LOVE WHAT THEY CAN’T GET

When you aren’t sure, be mysterious in a good way, not in a dark or disturbing way.

SOLUTION: Tell her how much you want to be with her when you’re at work. Just call her at lunch and say: “I want to be with you tonight,” and then hang up. Call back in 33 seconds and say, “I can’t believe you hung up on me.”

She will be intrigued more than annoyed because you’ve used more than your usual 6.5 percent charm on her with a little boyish fun!

#5 WOMEN ARE THE JEALOUS TYPE

Don’t assume your “friends” on Facebook are her friends, too. Especially if they look like Elle McPherson (for you guys who grew up in the ’90s or later, Google her, but make sure your wife is watching and reading this with you!)

SOLUTION: Show her your hot friends, and if she isn’t impressed, tell her why you can’t get rid of them. Then expect a lot of abuse, either physical or mental. Decide how much abuse you can handle, then slip into a secret life and become the schmuck you were in high school. Or, better yet, “can” your Facebook account and find adventure in the real world. If life is too precious on Facebook, do FB in front of her with people she also knows. Either that, or allow her to creep on every tall, dark, handsome dude she sees. Either way, you can choose to be a creep and turn her into a she-creep, or you can read between the lines of sarcasm and cease and desist your rambunctious ways. Grow up, man!

(Lynley just reminded me I have no FB account. I reminded her she doesn’t have any FB friends. She kicked me playfully and said, “Real world is all I need.” Between us guys, though, tell your wife to friend her and see what she does. I’ll lay odds she’ll decline the friendship offer. She’s got HIIIIGH standards!)

#6 and #7: fill in your own remedies; I’m just a guy trying to kick start your thinking… 7 sounded better than 5. If you feel ripped off, remember, you’re married, get used to it!

(Now you know why Lynley doesn’t let me on here much!)

Check out our YouTube banter on: https://youtu.be/iY0cnABS1Rk

Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE to that YouTube channel and catch all our live updates!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

50 ways to keep your lover (apologies to Paul Simon)

You’ve likely heard Paul Simon’s hit song, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”
Well, we here at twentyfoursevenmarriage believe in something a little more invigorating… so, here’s our remake:

“The problem is all inside your head” she said to me
“The answer is easy if you take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle to clearly see
There must be fifty ways to keep your lover”

She said, “It’s really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won’t be lost or misconstrued
But I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being lewd
There must be fifty ways to keep your lover
Fifty ways to keep your lover”

You just massage her back, Jack
Be a new man, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just make her the Queen
Drop all the fuss, Gus
You’ll need to discuss much
And drop all the lies, guys
To make her happy

Ooo massage her back, Jack
Become a new man, Stan
You don’t need to a bad boy, Roy
Just listen to me
Drop all the fuss, Gus
You’ll need to discuss much
Just listen to your Queen, Lee
And get yourself free

She said,”It grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again”
I said, “I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways to keep your lover

She said, “Why don’t we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you’ll begin to see the light”
And then she kissed me and I realized she certainly was right
There must be fifty ways to keep your lover
Fifty ways to keep your lover

You just massage her back, Jack
Become a new man, Stan
You don’t need to be a bad boy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Drop all the fussIMG_6184.JPG, Gus
You’ll need to discuss much
Just make her your Queen, Lee
And get yourself free

Massage her back, Jack
Be a new man, Stan
You don’t need to be a bad boy, Roy
Just listen to your Queen
Drop all the fuss, Gus
You’ll need to discuss much
Just make her the Queen, Lee
And get yourself free